Motherhood: Not My Portion

Let’s be real. Kids aren’t for everyone and that’s absolutely okay.

Before we begin, being a parent can be one of the most rewarding jobs out there. I say job, because it is one, and not everybody is signing up to do it. Yes we all know that we are biologically wired to reproduce and someone has to volunteer as tribute to keep the population running. I just think it’s wild that we still believe we all have to desperately want to do it. Ask any parent out there and they’ll tell you for free that it is exhausting. There are so many amazing benefits too, but we can’t pretend there’s not also cons. It’s all subjective and down to the type of person you are and the lifestyle you are striving to achieve.

Apparently, a side effect of being a woman is that we must want to have children. It’s in our nature. That’s just a deep-rooted stereotype that we need to break. Women were reduced to mothers and housewives before they even had a chance to be an individual. For men, they were simply just providers. I don’t subscribe to either of those toxic stereotypes, personally. We can’t forget that laws existed which meant women had no choice but to only be mothers. So, in this day and age, why are we still behaving as if that’s still the case? For one, it dehumanizes women. Two, it completely undermines the role of being a parent. I’m here to speak my own truth on this topic, so let’s get into it.

Reminder, I am a woman. So, I will speak from my perspective. Have you noticed that anytime a woman expresses her lack of interest in motherhood, people always have something to say? It’s usually along the lines of “are you sure you don’t want a mini you? or “what if your future husband wants children?” These are things I recently got asked, and my response was “One of me is plenty”. I hardly ever hear these questions presented to a man when they express the same feelings. It seems to trigger people that you don’t want children, as if they’re going to be the ones raising them with you. Not only that, but they assume you will never find a partner who is on the same page as you. To me, it says that these people think in constrictive traditional ways. I’m all for having your own opinion, but I’m not here for the projections. These kinds of responses imply that everybody needs to have a child, and if they don’t then they’re wrong.

The cherry on top, is that they will continue the interrogation in hopes that you’ll cave and say you’ll have a child in the future. A shock maybe, but not everybody is going to feel the same way. As a woman, I strongly dislike the millions of questions as to why I don’t want to parent, even though I’m young. They’ll spend a lifetime subtly telling you that without children, you’ll be incomplete. Again, reducing you to nothing unless you take on a hefty responsibility. Who’s to say that you’ll even make a good parent? Controversial but a lot of parents out there are not fit to parent, but nobody wants to talk about that. These interactions are a constant reminder that people don’t fully understand what it means to be a parent. It isn’t just a 9-5 job where you can hand in your two weeks at any given point. It’s a lifelong commitment.

I spent the last year working in a primary school and boy did I learn a lot. On top of that, I am the eldest to two siblings and the gap between us is miles. The reason I mention that is because children are people too. Once you have them, you are responsible for an entire human being other than yourself. Sorry not sorry, but half of us can barely care for ourselves. One thing that irked me, was that you can see a lot of these children were hardly ever emotionally recognized as individuals. A common misconception is that to be a parent, all you need to do is be financially stable and be in a committed relationship. Wrong. You need so much more than that. You actually need to be emotionally secure within yourself. The physical aspect of parenting is the least of your concerns. A roof over their head is great, but the ability to be a support system and a decent role model is a bigger priority.

Growing up, I saw how the traditional parenting dynamic played out. When you don’t necessarily come from a lot, you watch how your parents get consumed in trying to provide. It’s not a bad thing, and I’m grateful for what they were able to do for us. It’s how it affects everyone, parents included, that gets me. They shut down emotionally, and focused on sustaining the material needs. Being the eldest, I felt for not only my parents, but my siblings too. So, I had decided that I was going to take responsibility for the emotional well-being of my family. Looking back, I have tiny regrets, but mostly because I wished better for all of us. Pretending to be mother to my siblings in any capacity was a lot to deal with. As I’m older now, I understand that trying to raise a person, and be all around present, is something nobody can ever prepare for. For me, it’s not something I’ll ever want to experience. Yes, it’s beautiful to carry on your bloodline, but it’s also tremendously exhausting and so easy to lose your own identity.

Self-awareness is key. So I can easily say that I don’t have the facilities to be a parent. I’m selfish. I never envisioned myself having a 7-seater, going to birthday parties, and texting my mum friends about playground drama. It has just never appealed to me. I definitely don’t want to sacrifice years of my life running little people to and from clubs and waiting until school holidays to go abroad. I do love children, but I love them more when you can give them back. I am happy to be the fun auntie, living my best life while appreciating those who do have children. Side note: I feel it’s problematic to say that having children means you are a family. I thought family was whoever you considered it to be. I was going to add that maybe in the future if I met someone and changed my mind then great. But the actual idea of having children makes me want to jump out of my skin. It may sound crazy, but even just pregnancy alone creeps me out. I know I’m physically capable of it, but I like my body as my own.

As for being a real life parent, it can consume your whole life. You have to pour everything into raising another human as best as you can in hopes that you’ll do right by them. I have massive appreciation for people who can do this as it’s not easy at all. I hope that soon, we’ll collectively be respectful of people who don’t want this responsibility. Everyone is entitled to live their life how they please. What makes someone else complete, isn’t going to necessarily be true for the next person. Parenthood isn’t to be taken lightly, and it’s okay to recognize when you don’t want part of that journey. If you take anything from my views, let it be that your opinion belongs to yourself, please! It can be insensitive to question and challenge people’s desires, especially when it’s not your place.

We are all free to have our own life's mantra, and mine respectfully, is f***k them kids :)

Do you!