So, I guess I should say welcome back! Or rather, let me reintroduce myself…
For those who know me, my name isn’t actually Ren. Shock and horror I know, but I felt that my changes over the past two years deserved a new name. As cliché as it may be, I decided to go by my middle name, or a shortened version of it: Renee. Thanks to my birth parents, the name isn’t too horrendous and has allowed me to continue my evolution feeling comfort in the guise of my new identity.
Now that the boring bits out of the way, it’s time to blab.
When I first started this blog, I was going through hell and couldn’t yet say that I’d made it back. I’d not long been asked to leave my Mother’s house, ending up in my biological Father’s house, desperate for something to cling on to. Growing up the way I did, and I’m learning it’s common in the Caribbean culture, my voice simply wasn’t allowed to exist. This is likely the reason I turned to writing to begin with, so when shit got turned upside down, I coped the only way I knew how: writing.
I remember starting a new job at a primary school (something else I thought would heal me) and feeling so unfulfilled, lost, and just trying to stay afloat. When I realised, I could quite literally do whatever I wanted. So, I reached out to a mutual and got her website plug. She was a true gem, getting my site up and running before I could blink and helped me to unlock a new door that I’d find comfort in down the line.
I had no realistic plans of what I was going to use the site for, other than just ranting and getting out a ton of feelings that didn’t have space to surface whilst I was in the midst of trying to survive. I figured I’d end up spilling deep secrets, recounting traumas and spending the rest of my days typing away in agony. None of that happened. As gruesome as my last few years had been, I just couldn’t seem to find my voice here. I gravitated towards spirituality and healing, hoping that spreading optimism would wash away the feelings I felt burdened with. But while a joyous voice is always necessary, it isn’t what was going to get me through and back on my feet.
Still to this day, I don’t see myself using this blog to sift through the layers of my experiences, just yet. It may come with time, probably therapy, and whatever else unlocks the depths of my voice on this journey. For now, I’m just looking forward to getting in the swing of writing again and feeling those levitating chills as I read back my own words and feel so grateful to possess the bravery to go against every force that taught me that my voice simply wasn’t allowed.
So, all this mismatched introductory dialogue brings me to this: write. Write like your life depends on it, write like it’s the only thing in the world that matters, write like the words you string together have the power to resurrect your soul. Because it does. The beauty, and it sounds typical, lays in the reflection of your growth. How much you and I change from the first time we pick up the pen, to the present moment where you’re witnessing my first step back into the world of long form writing after finally making it back from hell.
I can’t finish this without mentioning that I have finally received my ADHD diagnosis, so for either of us to expect regular uploads would be rather insane. I’ll see you when I see you, and I hope you stick around to witness my literary magic in the making.
Love,
Ren <3
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