As Ari Lennox said, self-love, is the best love. Period.
This feels like a cyclical moment for me. I was scrolling through my memories to this time last year when I landed on a video I had taken. It was just one of those outfit checks before work, but the song I was playing had significance. It was A Sunday Kind Of Love by Etta James. I still jam to this tune, quite a lot actually, especially when I’m feeling in tune with my heart space. So as I’m laying in bed watching this 40 second clip of myself, it dawned on me. I had been with myself for the past year, and genuinely learning to love myself.
As a society, we often put a lot of pressure on each other to show self-love. But it isn’t purely just for the reason we may assume. Most times, it’s a reaction to endings of relationships, replacing love that we lacked from traumatic connections, or just trying to patch up parts in our lives with a little bit of love. Now don’t get me wrong, self-love is necessary in every aspect, but it’s the intent behind it that matters most. We have to remember that we deserve love, and who better to receive it from than the person who will always know us best? It’s important for us to learn how to give and receive love, but we have to give ourselves the grace first and foremost. I for one, have spent long enough trying to show up with authenticity in my external relationships and figure out everybody else’s love languages before my own. But as cliché as it sounds, we can’t pour from an empty cup.
These are a couple things that I’ve been learning on my own self-love journey.
1. I deserve unconditional love.
As straightforward as it may sound, it’s easier said than done. Past me is very guilty of that conditional love. I’d only show kindness to myself when I had made some sort of outside achievement, or when somebody else validated me first. This is a sticky situation to be in, because when you’re in it, it’s deep. You have to figure out how to climb out of that hole where you only love yourself because of what you’re doing and not who you are. It took me probably a whole year for me to finally get to a stage where I actively love myself despite everything else. It’s easy to start with telling yourself that you deserve love irrespective of anything else, because you are love.
2. I have to love myself a bit more on the harder days.
I’m still actively learning this one, but it’s such a wonderful feeling. I’m one of those people, or was, who’d put on sad songs to feel even sadder. Shoutout to nearly all of my playlists before 2018 for comforting me in some form. I’d also deprive myself from every joy I had. I thought that if I don’t feel good, then nothing can be good. That was such a debilitating mindset to have. It took me truly asking myself why I thought I had to suffer, before I realised for the most part it’s a choice. I was choosing to wallow in whatever hurt I had, rather than to actually nourish and love my way out of it. I’m personally aware that sometimes we go through dark phases with our mental health, so don’t beat yourself up if you want to stay in bed for a few days. What I mean is that, by making one good choice such as drinking a glass of water, you’re telling your mind and body hey I’m still here for you. We can love ourselves no matter what we’re going through. Be your most comforting support system.
3. Self-love shows up in many ways.
As I’m still learning myself, I’m figuring out what makes me feel good. It’s easy to say what we don’t like, but it’s another to identify the opposite. I dedicated myself to just showing up by making sure I’m eating, sleeping, and talking to others. After I built that routine, it became easier for me to tell what warms my soul. I had laid down the foundation for caring about my basic needs so that I could explore myself that bit further. You’ll see a lot of ideas about self-dating which I did try to an extent too, but don’t overlook the small things. For me, once I realised that one of my top love languages is acts of service, I could show up for myself by starting my days right and maintaining that by prioritising my needs in every moment. Only after I figured out my basic needs could I appreciate the bigger acts I did for myself. I say this to say that learning to love yourself from tip to toe is essential. You’re going to rock with you for life, you may as well know yourself from inside out.
So, if I could give you one piece of solid advice for this journey, it’d be to take your time. There is no rush. You’re building a genuine relationship with yourself and that takes patience and care. Everyday isn’t going to feel the same, but that’s part of the process. Learning to love yourself above all is a truly liberating feeling. Don’t get caught up in trying to love bomb yourself! Take it day by day and enjoy getting closer with yourself. Your life will be so much better for it <3
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