There’s something about reaching 22, that just, hits the spot… existentially. So… I’ve been in a gently chaotic period. Unsure of what to call it, I guess it can be deemed as another season of healing. I don’t know. But I’ve had some pretty big feelings lately, ones that can’t be soothed with a quick phone call to a friend, or a night on the town rating the bartender’s skill. It needed: therapy. The notion of therapy has been circling social media for quite some time now, with mental health professionals giving tips, validating experiences, and offering pathways to discovering services that work for you. And I’ve been eating that sh*t up. With mental health becoming a hot topic, it’s nice to know that the stigma is slowly being peeled back - obviously we’ve got long ways to go, but it’s a refreshing start. A quick repost of a meme that makes light of some extra traumatic situation? It’s what I live for. Eventually, it was going to have to surpass relating to strangers in the comments and clicking ‘like’ for every user that managed to put into words feelings that you’ve harboured for years. And I guess now, it was time to take the plunge. Without rendering social media useless, I managed to find my therapist through watching others’ videos on services they used to find a professional that they liked. With a quick email inquiry and an introductory chat, I soon found myself sitting in that chair, unsure of where to begin. The movies make it feel all so dramatic. Diving into the huge sh*t first, building a rapport on the first session, and getting answers for questions that plagued your soul in the first thirty minutes. I quickly realised, again, that this was real life, and this wasn’t going to be some Band-Aid situation. I sat there awkwardly, asking the therapist what I should say. Was that step one of what’s wrong with me? Not having the space and support to process my feelings growing up had left me feeling stumped. Like what do you mean I get to sit here and actually have someone listen to me without judging, blaming, or telling me how to dictate and navigate my emotions. It was a whole new world, and I was ready to breathe it all in. I could sit here and rant on how enlightened and privileged I feel to be attending therapy but, I’ll keep my ting brief (I’m chronically online fyi lmao). Admitting that therapy was crucial at the ripe age of 22, sent me into somewhat of a spiral. Having to face the fact that there’s a wonderful mess of trauma in my wake was not on my bucket list, just yet. But I knew that trying to start crafting my life without the correct support just wasn’t going to happen. It’s like the analogy of building a house on sand – the foundation needed stability. And so, here I am. When I occasionally compare myself to my age mates, it can feel bittersweet. Yes, everyone can benefit from therapy (look at the state of our world), but knowing that I am not only battling ADHD, undiagnosed tism for SURE, estrangement, burnout, and tons of other bullshit, makes me feel like I have to miss out on ‘normal’ living until I can finally process my (recent) past. On the flip side, I’m telling myself I’m mature and demure . Focusing on my mental health and prioritising what I (!) need to has been a gamechanger. Ultimately, I now don’t feel like I’m “missing out”. To keep it real, I’ve seen my parents. And what led to the breakdown of our relationships, was that they never had the space to deal their shit when they were my age. I’m not trying to be in my 40’s, finally addressing the hell of my childhood, teens, and early 20’s. I want to do it right. This entire post was just me coming to grips with therapy, and voicing the tidbits I’ve had since starting. And dude, you are never too young to start therapy. Clearly, there was no age threshold to trauma. Side note: You don’t have to pay for therapy either. Go and cry to your GP, you pay taxes right? Heck, even if you don’t, we all deserve healing. Maybe you’ll see my mental improving with my writing haha. But hopefully not in my poetry just yet…. It makes for good pieces xoxo Anyway, I wish 2025 to be a year of peace, no matter what that looks like for you. It’s the year of ‘9’ after all, so what needs cleansing, will go.

The train of thought that seems to go missing On the tip on my tongue Dancing its way to form the vision But I can never quite catch it The sudden spark which illuminates your world Even for a split second, a momentary lapse of happiness You’d forget it was ever dark The gentle shower of rain that whispers drops on your windows Not too loud, wary of the late night But just heavy enough to soothe you from the inside out Peace. An ever-eluding feeling She comes and goes Says her hellos Stays for the night Cradles you in her arms Until your pillow takes over the weight Occasionally uninvited but always my favourite guest Never a chance she could outstay her welcome Even if sometimes she’s fleeting My heart is always open For peace.

So, I guess I should say welcome back! Or rather, let me reintroduce myself… For those who know me, my name isn’t actually Ren. Shock and horror I know, but I felt that my changes over the past two years deserved a new name. As cliché as it may be, I decided to go by my middle name, or a shortened version of it: Renee. Thanks to my birth parents, the name isn’t too horrendous and has allowed me to continue my evolution feeling comfort in the guise of my new identity. Now that the boring bits out of the way, it’s time to blab. When I first started this blog, I was going through hell and couldn’t yet say that I’d made it back. I’d not long been asked to leave my Mother’s house, ending up in my biological Father’s house, desperate for something to cling on to. Growing up the way I did, and I’m learning it’s common in the Caribbean culture, my voice simply wasn’t allowed to exist. This is likely the reason I turned to writing to begin with, so when shit got turned upside down, I coped the only way I knew how: writing. I remember starting a new job at a primary school (something else I thought would heal me) and feeling so unfulfilled, lost, and just trying to stay afloat. When I realised, I could quite literally do whatever I wanted. So, I reached out to a mutual and got her website plug. She was a true gem, getting my site up and running before I could blink and helped me to unlock a new door that I’d find comfort in down the line. I had no realistic plans of what I was going to use the site for, other than just ranting and getting out a ton of feelings that didn’t have space to surface whilst I was in the midst of trying to survive. I figured I’d end up spilling deep secrets, recounting traumas and spending the rest of my days typing away in agony. None of that happened. As gruesome as my last few years had been, I just couldn’t seem to find my voice here. I gravitated towards spirituality and healing, hoping that spreading optimism would wash away the feelings I felt burdened with. But while a joyous voice is always necessary, it isn’t what was going to get me through and back on my feet. Still to this day, I don’t see myself using this blog to sift through the layers of my experiences, just yet. It may come with time, probably therapy, and whatever else unlocks the depths of my voice on this journey. For now, I’m just looking forward to getting in the swing of writing again and feeling those levitating chills as I read back my own words and feel so grateful to possess the bravery to go against every force that taught me that my voice simply wasn’t allowed. So, all this mismatched introductory dialogue brings me to this: write. Write like your life depends on it, write like it’s the only thing in the world that matters, write like the words you string together have the power to resurrect your soul. Because it does. The beauty, and it sounds typical, lays in the reflection of your growth. How much you and I change from the first time we pick up the pen, to the present moment where you’re witnessing my first step back into the world of long form writing after finally making it back from hell. I can’t finish this without mentioning that I have finally received my ADHD diagnosis, so for either of us to expect regular uploads would be rather insane. I’ll see you when I see you, and I hope you stick around to witness my literary magic in the making. Love, Ren <3

You're only putting a percentage out of who you are. For this post, I’d like to talk about why we always shrink ourselves. It’s not just within the physical world, but we also downplay our own existence internally. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been working to understand my place in this world as a conscious being. The inspiration for this post came from a video I had seen on TikTok. He essentially explained that when we engage in thought within small environments, we subsequently think small. It goes true for vice versa; we can think bigger when we’re in an open environment. The comments joked that he means we should go outside to touch grass, and although funny, it’s right. Existing in a larger environment gives you more room to explore your internal dialogue. There aren’t four walls to bounce higher thoughts back to sender. It’s just you and the limitless space, both outside and inside. Now I’ve given the gist of where this is headed, I want to acknowledge some reasons for why we get “trapped” in our beings. For starters, our environment. Most people, if not all, went through events within the four walls we mentioned. Whether it be home, school, work, it was a suffocating environment. Experiencing non-ideal events in these spaces can make you feel small, and or alone. The lack of space gives the illusion that these are the only things existing in your world at that current moment. Which is far from true. These spaces are almost like mini ecosystems. There’s a life, various species, chains of hierarchy. To manage the lite version of life alongside the real deal is truly confusing. Humans have a habit of focusing on the not so good aspects, so this leads me to say that we’d prioritise the bleakness of our miniature ecosystem. Hence, feeling trapped. In time, this reduces your idea of who you are. You can only see yourself as far as your existence in the four walls, and it’s hard to relate to anything outside of that. Life, who knew we’d be living various simulations of it at once? To dig a little deeper, the community within said environments plays a huge part. See we’re often born into this world with people beside us. Our parents, grandparents, siblings and more. As we get older, those groups tend to shift in dynamic. I believe it’s due to us wanting to learn ourselves individually. We create space to figure out who we are as individual entities and hold space for the people who we consider our foundation. That’s the easy side of it. The flip side is that we go so deep into the “inner knowing”, that we completely and accidentally shut off. It’s almost a domino effect. You gain some healthy distance for personal perspective, and all of a sudden you no longer know who you are within the communities you once thrived. Don’t get me wrong, the good growth you do from this deserves an applause, but we never mention the other side. The isolation. Getting wrapped up in our existence that we forget to continue to relate to others outside of us. I do feel that we trick ourselves into loneliness, me included. I can say that I went on the merry go round a few times and landed right back in the space I had forgotten. Knowing who I am outside of just me. It’s a whirlwind for sure. I don’t think anything prepares you for having to translate inner healing to the outside world. We go through our lifetimes of feelings with a fine-tooth comb, just to feel lost once we feel we’ve reached a point of “enlightenment”. I’m of course an advocate for all the shadow work, but it’s the bridge leading on from that that stumped me. Depending on whichever higher entity you confide in, you may have heard that “there’s nothing left for you to do”. It took me a moment to make sense of it but now I totally get it. There is nothing left for you to discover within, in this current chapter. Meaning, you have learnt the necessary things to continue on your path in this world. It’s like going round the monopoly board on the first round. Learning, unlearning, mistakes, growth. Once you’ve gone round once, the 200 you collect is simply the reward, in which you can use to make real physical moves. Essentially, there comes a point when you must acknowledge the inner milestones and allow them to be of use to you externally. This post is a brief summary of what my current outlook on life is. The trials and tribulations I’ve overcome recently led me to this perspective. If you had resonated with the words here, then I believe this is your sign to start living outside of your shell. The shadows and confined spaces are not meant for permanence. They are guidelines for you to discover who and how you want to be in this world. Yes, the inner growth is continuous throughout life, but it isn’t the entire point of life. Use every aspect of your existence to catapult into the spotlight and immerse into your being. Do not hide forever, and instead carry honour with you to everywhere you explore. You’ve passed go, make a move.

Contrary to popular belief, we all have the key to our own happiness. Google states that happiness is “the state of being happy”. A broad definition, but it makes sense. The abstract concept of happiness is entirely subjective. Meaning nobody other than you, can decide what that looks like for you. The vague definition is an exact reflection of the concept because you can start anywhere. There’s no right or wrong way to define your happiness, and there’s no specific guideline to it either. Very typical of me, but I want to dip a toe into childhood. As children, we had no other intention than to do the things we enjoyed. We sought after fun experiences, and if there was no joy, we moved onto something that’s better. It’s one of my favourite things about children. They don’t stay in places that don’t harvest happiness. They are also in touch with their own feelings, being able to decipher where they think they can find fun. I remember being small, and the one thing I wanted to do was be outside. I was lucky enough to have a best friend who lived on my street, so I’d be knocking on her door every day. We’d take walks, ride bikes, play games and just have fun. As young adults now, we often find ourselves searching for imitations of that childlike happiness. The gag is, we didn’t get too old to do the things we’ve always loved. It’s natural for us to want to further explore and figure out new sources of external joy. The thing I’m learning now, is that it becomes difficult to find new when you don’t give ode to the past. What you loved to do before is usually where you’ll find the blueprint for a lot of activities you will potentially like even more. For me, it was quite literally the outdoors. I spent some time trying to figure out if I’d like to frequent coffee shops or sit in cinemas. What I found, was that I simply find joy in existing out in the nature. Instead of discarding what activities I did as a kid, I figured out how to let the joy mature with me. I merged my current interests with the things I know I loved, which brought me to reading in the park. So simple, yet to me, it brings me so much happiness. It’s me honouring both my inner child and the current me. Have you ever been doing something social, and suddenly realised it was killing your vibe? Not necessarily the people, but the activity in itself. That’s your intuition telling you that this thing is not what will bring you joy. When you end up there, you start to hyper focus on the things you don’t like to do, instead of bringing attention to what you know you liked. Unfortunately, that’s how we end up subconsciously inviting in more experiences that we don’t typically find joy in. It’s as simple as acknowledging how you felt when doing things that gave happiness. When trying to access happiness, we look to how others are living their life. Big mistake! We can relate to others on similar interests, but what floats their boat might not necessarily do it for you. You have to sit with yourself and learn what your personal state of happiness feels like. Venture out on things that have a familiar feel of joy yet feel so new. It’s not a crime to build on your happiness. But it is a crime to completely discard things you love on the basis of “growing up”. It’s why I began with saying we all have the key to our own happiness. We just get caught up in trying to unlock someone else’s joy. As summer is around the corner, make a list of everything that you have enjoyed. It can be as small as a cold glass of water, to taking train rides. Whatever it is, acknowledge it, and then allow it to grow. This is how your summer will feel like summer of 2016. You’ll be carefree and overflowing with joy when you figure out that you knew how to get there all along. You just had to honour your feelings in every stage and every age. We may be growing too, but the joy grows with us. Always.

Mary Jane – you either love it or you hate it. I found my middle ground so let’s talk. Mother Earth’s Medicine. Mary J is one of those plants that can have good benefits. Of course, when used in moderation. She can help you to sleep, stimulate appetite, and generally help to clear a mind. These are supposed to be good things, but in excessive use, it’s quite the opposite. Within our communities, I’d deem weed as normalised. At a time when I thought people should be shaking their head, it turns out more people were sharing a spliff than concerns. It’s a social activity that flew under the radar unless you were joining the rotation. And I did. So, here’s what I had to learn from doing so. It’s fun until it’s not. Lighting up feels almost like a rite of passage for a lot of young people. Whether you were introduced at 15 or got the gist at university like me. We’ve probably all been there and done that. When I first started entertaining Mary J, I was eating it. I couldn’t get over my distaste for smoking, especially having been around it since a child. Edibles seemed like a safe bet for me, emphasis on the seemed. It started out good. At best, you’d have the giggles, fascinating new thoughts, and extreme munchies. At worst, you’d have a bad trip and need to go to bed. I thought that would be the worst it’d get until I really hit the deep end. What they tell you, but you probably overlooked, is that messing with any substances is dependent on your current state of mind. How you feel about your present situation, will dictate how the high will go. At first. I was excited to be starting university, so naturally I was okay to be high. It wasn’t until my family issues had finally followed me to my new space that it went sideways. I began to have bad trips, I was overindulging, and feeding my body with nothing good. I was using Mary J to numb me from one of the lowest points I’d had. Eventually, the hurt and the high led me to a point where I simply didn’t want to exist. With not one sober fibre, I told my friend this and immediately she came to my rescue. As they sat with me, I cried and I shared the things I was dealing with, all the while grateful to them. They supported me through this time, and I knew that I couldn’t keep doing edibles any longer. If it hadn’t been for them, who knows if I’d be here now. After this whole ordeal, I ended up switching to smoking. A moment of silence for the action with no thought. Although I had some terrible experiences with edibles, the start of my smoking journey began on a lighter note (catch my pun). My friend and I were in the kitchen of our flat, and she was quite literally teaching me to smoke. I’d half try and give up and she’d laugh then tell me to get a grip. We laugh about it still as I would complain that I didn’t like the taste, but I ended up going through a heavy smoking phase regardless. By the time I had developed a smoking habit, I was in a deep masking phase of my feelings. I had no joy, I hated university, and my home life was falling apart too. Smoking became the easier habit to forget about my troubles. I went from social smoking, to rolling up by myself every day. They say when you reach the solo smoker stage, you’ve hit rock bottom. And for me, this was the second time. I developed a dependency on weed and smoked consistently for about two years. I knew I needed to get free from it, but with a father who’s smoked all his life, I figured the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Thankfully, with the help of my friend, I was able to cut down and eventually stop. It’s been a little while now, and I’ve experienced everything in my relationship with Mary J. Deciding to drastically cut back changed my life in so many ways. Overall, these things allowed me to understand that it’s easy to “self-medicate” with weed. A lot of us smoke to cope with problems, but in actuality it just makes it a billion times worse. I said weed is good, in moderation. Now, I completely understand the need to control the use. Since the necessary changes, I’ve been able to have the clarity to do my own inner healing and to figure out what it was I was trying to run from. I improved not only my relationship with myself, but also my relationship with Mary J. When I light up now, I do it for the spiritual experience and not to mask any feelings. I’m able to have healthy realisations and gain a deeper understanding of myself and my life. The long-standing debate: is weed addictive? From my experience, no. I don’t consider it to be an addiction any more than a dependency. It doesn’t make it any better, but I think k there’s more room to survive Mary J. I shared these experiences to highlight how marijuana can affect you in so many ways. It’s important to be self-aware and in tune with your mental state at every point. Weed is still a drug, even if it is earthly. That gives more reason to appreciate and not over consume. If you take anything from this, let it be that you control the substances, not the other way around.

I Choose to Surrender To have faith is one thing, but to allow yourself to surrender to that is another. The concept of surrendering has been playing on my mind for the past few weeks. I have been going through some wild situations, and these led to me realising that I overplay my part. More specifically, I try to outdo the universe. In my own universe, I give my faith to my spirit guides, ancestors, and God. So, I was standing in some big boots to believe that I could control the outcome any better than the higher powers. I did learn my lesson, but here’s what it taught me. To surrender is to accept liberation. I didn’t know what that meant until I sat with it, and I was sitting for a good while. To put it simply, it’s the act of putting your hands up and saying you trust whatever you believe in to carry you. It’s accepting that while you may have your own power, there are energies out there that are blessing you beyond your comprehension. By placing yourself in a position of utmost faith, you invite in an energy that exceeds letting go. It’s about believing and acknowledging that you are so well guided and protected, that things can only ever work out for your highest good. Admittedly, I wished I had learnt this earlier, but all in divine timing, right? This clarity rolled around just before we closed out May. So, I thought what a great opportunity to set surrendering as my June intention. I typically set my intention to overcome what has been hindering me. In this instance, it was my control issues. I have had a lifetime of experiences where I needed to be in control, and mostly just for safety purposes. I never felt as though I was ever able to allocate trust outside of myself. So, I didn’t. Even when I began to cultivate my Spirituality, I had a hard time trusting that I was in the right hands and on the right course. For my own sake, I had to take the first step in overcoming the obstacle that I had put up. You’ve probably seen countless posts telling you to “trust it’ll all work out” and “you are always where you need to be”. So have I, except I never believed them until recently. These phrases are good advice, but only if you want to listen. I’ll add in my cliches and share what things helped me to surrender. 1. You can only see so far. This is exactly how it sounds. Simply put, you don’t have the full vision. There’s a reason for that. It’s key to remember that your life gets revealed to you piece by piece. If you were to know the whole story, there’d be no magic to life. What you know in your moment is a direct reflection of where you’ve been so far. When you complete that section, the next path will arise for you to experience. So, just surrender to your current moment, and have gratitude for where you are. 2. You are both the Creator and the Creation. I believe that there’s a higher power in us all. If we have come from whoever we believe our creators to be, then it’s safe to assume they exist within us too. Give yourself time to appreciate both yourself and everything around you. You were made in a perfect image, and props to you for having the vision to execute. Find trust in the power that comes from not only being you, but also what you represent. It’ll feel like a piece of cake when you realise that trusting in your higher power also means trusting yourself. 3. Great things are your birth right! This one can take some practice but it’s worth it. There can be any number of reasons for why you may not feel like you deserve greatness. It can be due to difficulties in early life, emotional and physical hardship, or maybe you were never taught to expect the best. This is truly a core belief, but it can be rewired. I like to remind myself, that if I got gifted life, a precious creation, then I deserve to have the most joyous experience too. Your quality of life isn’t defined by not-so-great things. We all have our mishaps, but that doesn’t take away from the experiences we get to live. Learning this will help you to surrender to not only a higher power, but also to your mind. Don’t work so hard to assume a negative reality, and instead break free into peace. These are all things I’m still actively learning. I can attest that the hardest step is the first one. It’s accepting that you were the blockage for ease and happiness. That’s okay, but you’re in control of how you operate. When you’re ready, choose better. Believe that you don’t need to do overtime for a less than mediocre reality. You have always been destined for wonderful things, so take a beat, and realign with that power. You got this.

If you haven’t heard of Bobby Nsenga, I apologise for gate keeping. You’ll understand why. One evening in my university flat, I had sat down to light up, and chill out. My usual routine was to put on one of my jumbled Spotify playlists, and let myself immerse in a variety of sounds. Only this time, I had decided to venture out of routine and boy am I glad. For this post, you’ll have to let me be dramatic. Music isn’t something I’ve ever taken lightly, and nor will that change. It’s the perfect remedy for anything life throws at you. Whether you’re down in the dumps, or on one of your best frequencies, there’ll always be a song to accompany you. The same rings true for a Bobby Nsenga playlist. Avid stans of Bobby can tell you that there is a playlist for every one of life’s moments. Without a doubt. So, discovering Bobby Nsenga was almost like finding a diamond in the recyclables. There’s not many that can curate a playlist with such ease and perfection like this. It took only a couple soundtracks and some incredible blends for me to fully realise what I had just unlocked. One of my first thoughts upon finding this pioneer, was that we had to be apart of the same soul tribe. There was no way that every time he released a playlist, it was a spot-on match to whatever I was going through. I was in awe whenever I sat down to enjoy the vibes. His earlier playlists are more general titles of what the genre is. It was as he began to evolve, that his titles followed. “For Self-Care” is one of my top playlists. It starts off with “A Sunday Kind of Love” by Etta James, and I can attest that this is the reason I play this song on repeat. Whenever I hear the smooth melody of Etta, I picture the calm vibes of Bobby sharing this playlist from his mysterious home. As you may know, up until recently, Bobby was somewhat of a social media ghost. He shares every playlist with a video of him putting it together and vibing solo in his space. He might have coffee, or a water, but no matter what he is just exuding peace. His mysterious aura only added to the list of reasons as to why I like him. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want to distract from the real reason he’s gracing us with his presence. The music. I appreciate this in a way. It gives ode to the fact that a lot of us listen to music as a sweet escape from time to time. We sit with our ears open to a range of sounds, and our eyes closed to the rest of the world. There’s a sweet serenity in just surrendering to the music and allowing the beat to take you to different places. Bobby perfectly captures this in the way he shows up on YouTube. He invites us into his space purely to share the music that he’s resonating with. He lets the playlists speak for themselves, and they always say the perfect amount. It’s the intimacy of communicating through the art of music that really sets him apart. Admittedly, I wanted to gate-keep him forever. He was truly my hidden gem. There was always a playlist waiting for me whenever I had gone through something or wanted to set a tone for a moment. Industry artists have a lot to compete with when it comes to the reliability of a Bobby playlist. Eventually, the excitement took over me and I could no longer get away with just sharing still snippets of his playlists on my tv. I had to tell a friend. I’ll be honest, I had doubts but I’m never usually selfish when it comes to music. Music is my love language, and so I make it a point to share. But when I let the secret of Bobby slip, I immediately asked myself what I had done. Did I just give away one of my best secrets? Thankfully, it was quite the opposite. Being able to share this fabulous discovery was freeing. As soon as I told my friend, she understood the vibes. We would go through several playlists whenever we linked up, and it was never a question. We’d begin every playlist with a head bop, and then we’d quiz each other on whether we knew some of the songs. Not only did we mutually vibe, but we also discovered a heap of new music together. One of us on shazam, and the other asking how could we not know this? Truly wholesome moments that came about because of a playlist genius. Bobby Nsenga does more than just share a playlist. He sets the stage for connections just as seamlessly as he connects the beats. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I dedicate a piece to Bobby Nsenga, as we know he has just begun. From almost signature long locs, to an updated short do. Bobby has openly claimed a transformation that began with his hair. It seems symbolic in a way. The locs had assisted in allowing him to hide behind both them and the music. Seeing the switch up feels as though he is ready to be embraced for his talent and love for music in a true light. It gives me joy to see that he is finally sharing more of who he is, outside of his musical identity. The mystery is a brand, but I’m excited to get to know the man behind the music. If you've been searching for a music refresher, I encourage you to check Bobby out. There's a variety of playlists and you're guaranteed to find more than what you were looking for. Just for the record, (catch my pun), you'll accidentally spend hours listening to these playlists. You can find Bobby Nsenga on both YouTube and Spotify, which is a blessing. I hope you enjoy his playlists as much as I have! I'm giving you a pass to gatekeep when you realise the magic, but don't forget to share the vibes after!

Honestly, I’m so bored of going back and forth with the plan for life. Let me start off by saying that I know there’s already a plan for all our lives in place. It’s just the getting there that stumps me. I’m 20, still, and have no clue where to go next. I spent my last year working full time and dealing with family trauma. This is the first time I’m actually free of that (almost). So, the question lingers, what’s next? If you’re apart of my generation, then you’ll understand that we carry a lot. Between trying to figure out what we’d like to do, and elders continually whispering life decisions in our ear; We reach a big crossroad. Times have ironically changed, so it doesn’t seem as feasible to go from job, to spouse, to kids, and then right to misery. While I’m grateful that we live in a time where we have the visual of our world being our oyster, there’s a lot of choice and a lot of noise. Which fish do you decide to be? At this point, I’m just a tuna fish trying not to get eaten by the array of bigger fish. To my young people, do you ever get fed up with others (elders included) feeding you their version of what your life should look like? I’m grateful, here and there, for the small fragments of sound advice. The rest, however, is just projections. This is entirely my opinion so feel free to take it or leave it. To elaborate, we live in a totally different time. We have way more options, avenues that didn’t exist before, and just a generally more “accepting” society. I say it that way as to not ignore the still very constrictive and limiting aspects of our society, especially as a black woman. But to continue, we have the choices they never had. I get it, I’d feel a type of way too. To know that there were life paths that you wished you could take and didn’t. But in the kindest of words, what does that ever have to do with me? We reach a point where it’s no longer advice, and simply just them projecting onto you the life they would have claimed had they been born in the same season as you. Extra kindly put, we can’t expect valid advice from people who have also never traveled the paths we’re intending to try. Projections and rules out the way, let’s talk personal truths. I mentioned that it’s normal for us to want to try everything out there. I can own up and say I’ve envisioned myself in every profession from teacher, to zookeeper, to farmer in the wild. I still feel I could do these all pretty well. But I simply wouldn’t have the chance to. Whilst it’s valid to have the urge to shapeshift and be adaptable with our talents, there physically isn’t room for us to do so. With the confines of our society and working world still in heavy control, we will never be able to live out the wildest lives we maybe daydreamed about a few times. You might be thinking, “that’s ridiculous because I can and I will”. Fair play to you because I think this all the time. However, there comes a time when we remember that whilst we may be excellent at anything we put our hand to, we still want to do the things that set our hearts on fire. And alongside that, we also remember that life is bitterly sweet yet short. At this moment, you ask yourself what really matters to you? What things will make your soul feel fulfilled when you’re making that big transition into whatever you believe comes after life? It’s a loaded question I know, but it’s something we’ll constantly ask ourselves, even when we are happy in what we’re doing. I guess I say all this to say, while we may not be able to do the whole catalogue of our daydreams, we absolutely have the chance to narrow down our favourites. Yes, society doesn’t want to see us win, but it does benefit from us having intention with what we’d like to do. Whether it’s one thing you’ve loved since infancy, or it’s switching it up every time you have a spiritual breakthrough. You can try it. As I write this, I’m having a mere of my own. I had, once again, reached a stage where I thought I had figured it all out. Its periodical so I should be breezing through it. Note how I said should. This is a universal feeling among this generation. I’d like to share why I feel we always go through this. Why we always feel as though we’ve unlocked our soul purpose, just to turn around 3 months later and be staring at the blank canvas all over again. It’s because we recognised that we can change. As the generations moved along, so did the understanding of our existence. With each age group, we became more enlightened and aware to the fluidity behind our existence. It’s no longer about being rigid or being “stable”. We can now see that are extremely versatile. It’s beyond beautiful to recognise that we grow, and we shift, and we evolve. Ignoring that is what really got us into the mess of feeling stuck looking for a lifelong “thing” in the first place. And it’s why we should take it lightly when we’re confused all over again. What I mean, is it’s entirely normal to change. If we didn’t, how boring would that be? Almost as boring as watching life pass you by. So, let yourself change. Honor the evolution that blessed us with your existence and with your multifaceted mind. You have a plethora of talents at your fingertips, and this life is your chance to explore them. You are supposed to change. Don’t let something which you’ve outgrown anchor you to a version of yourself that doesn’t exist. Accept change. You’ll find that your soul purpose is mostly about allowing yourself to appreciate every season which you inhabit, and every interest which you allow your mind to roam. Soak it all in and get excited. The choices are yours. What comes next?

I vowed to wait patiently, even if it takes an eternity. I will wait for the love that was crafted just for me. When I asked, they told me that in spirit our souls are intertwined. And it's more than that too, because we've loved each other for a thousand lifetimes. I know it's meant to be reassuring enough, even more than the chills I get when I fantasize about your heart's touch. But sometimes I want to come home and we tell each other about our day. Maybe we could sit and pray, light some sage and give gratitude for the blessings coming our way. So still, I wait patiently for you, because I know that when our love reaches this earth, our hearts will no longer be two.